Bailie.com

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Folly of fluffy

Three teenage girls on the Skytrain, loud and full of themselves sitting across from me, suddenly get quiet and I hear, “...like her, just shoot me.” I realize they’re talking about me; they’re judging me. Before, I might have taken it personally; now, I think “sure, honey, come see me when you’re 50, and I’ll pull the trigger for you.” I never got that shallow, loud, fluff that passes as self-aggrandizement: ooh, look at my toenails. Ooh, look how tight my butt is. Ooh, there’s a boy nearby, let’s talk louder. Okay, back to work for me. But I just had to say it.

Walk it off, walk it off

Friday morning started out as a stellar morning. I’d dropped 2 lbs the previous day. All Friday, I was so good. Ate carefully and consciously, drank lots of water, worked out (45 minutes of cardio plus 1 hour of weights). By the evening, I’d gained - yes, gained - 4.5 lbs. It was a devastating blow, and my immediate reaction is to be demoralized. I was hungry when I got home, and cooked a low-carb stir-fry. I also roasted an organic chicken, and had a chicken leg. Woke up this morning having gone down 1 of those 4.5 lbs and felt intense frustration. It’s a completely irrational reaction, to be sure. But that’s part of my unhealthy relationship to food. When I get frustrated, I’m less likely to restrain myself. (Is that called acting out? Re-acting out?)

I fell off the wagon a bit in the morning, having a croissant at breakfast. At the day-long meeting, they brought in muffins in the morning and sandwiches for lunch. (I took off the top piece of bread, and ate as much of the filling as I could without eating the bottom slice.) I made a point of having meat and salad late afternoon, and other than suffering terrible indigestion - I suspect from the vestiges of the bread mixing with the protein and salad, it kept me going. I also walked across downtown twice, from the university to the West End, and then back to the Skytrain station. Oh yes, I fell off the wagon at night, too, accepting an offered piece of an Australian chocolate-covered licorice stick, which I’d bought for E, as I knew it was a childhood favourite of hers.

Tomorrow will have to be a big work-out day, as Ineed to get myself back on track as soon as possible.