Monday, November 20, 2006
Avoiding Christmas
This year, I have one simple goal: to not hear any Christmas music. As of last week, I realized how Hurculean a task this is going to be.
First, I have to stay out of stores. I realized this when I stepped into the elevator at IKEA last Friday and got ambushed by some jazz version of a Christmas tune. I don’t remember which one, just that I recognized the first bar, at which point I stuck my fingers in my ears and started to hum, loudly. I didn’t care that I made the other woman in the elevator so uncomfortable stood WAY on the other side and scooted out the door before it even opened all the way. But I figure that I can do any holiday shopping online, either through Amazon or eBay. Even my groceries can be ordered online through Stongs. I just have to make sure that I turn off the sound on my computer - some sites ambush you with cheesy Christmas music when you least expect it.
Second, I have to keep my hand firmly on the remote control. The second the commercials come on, hit the mute button. Watching actors contort their faces and offer up merchandise that I would never, ever want to buy, while wearing decidedly Christmas-themed clothing, can be quite amusing, actually. But the sound track that goes with it drives me round the bend. So watching television is no longer a relaxing activity, it’s one filled with great vigilence. And once December proper rolls around, I may have to stop watching altogether, as the insidious strains of those same recycled Xmas tunes will make their way into the plot lines themselves, and the most caustic of shows will go mushy “for the holidays.”
Third, stay out of the public domain. Shops blare music out of stores, and some office buildings pipe special Chrismas muzack into their lobbies and elevators. You notice that despite being the public domain, which suggests Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, and other religious and cultural traditions would be honoured, it’s only the same old, same old Christmas music that gets played over and over and over and over again. I have yet to hear any Kwanzaa muzack, or Chanukah muzack. Just those same tired carols, over and over again each year.
Fourth, beware the radio. This one is the hardest because it’s hard to start changing stations while driving down the highway, and there is no guarantee that the change will be to a station not playing Christmas music at that moment. This year I have satellite radio, so I’m hoping it will be easier. Maybe I can find a nice Xmas-free station and just keep my radio tuned to that station until Dec 25th. What are the chances?
Fifth, avoid recitals. This one I’m not sure I can get away with. I’ve already been told I need to attend the recital of the granddaughter who sings with a juried choir. I can’t imagine they’ll be singing anything but Christmas carols. I won’t tempt fate by faking an illness (though it is tempting), but I am wondering if I can wear earplugs and just smile sweetly through a cotton batting fog.
Someone asked me the other evening why I hated Christmas music so much, and I must say that his premise is all wrong. I’m not Christian and don’t celebrate Christmas, so I can be benevolent and appreciate someone else’s tradition. But Christmas is one single day long, and I don’t want to listen to Christmas music for 16% of the year. That’s almost 60 days of the year, which is about 58 days too many days of Christmas music. (Can you imagine the outcry if the 8-day long holiday of Chunukah got its music billed for 4 months of the year? We’d all go mad listening to I Had A Little Dreidel five thousand times!)
I think what bugs me the most is the collective cultural blind spot to the invasiveness of Christian doctrine as part of Christmas. When my granddaughter went to a Montessori daycare that prided itself on it ecumenical-neutral stand, they would go into a Christmas frenzy at the beginning of November and continue on through the end of December. I heard more about Santa, reindeer, wise men and stars, and so on - it got nauseating for me, and I wasn’t even there all day! But talk about Chaunkah, and the response ws that “we don’t do anything religious.” So until things change, to adapt the words of the Seinfeld soup guy, No Music for Me!